I spend three hours sleeping on various chairs around San Francisco airport. After record hours of resistance, I give in and head to a payphone. 

Taking some make-up from my bag, I made a genuine attempt to look happy by brushing my hair, putting a thick layer of blue lipstick and shiny eyeshadow on my skin. As if he would be able to see my down the phone line.

‘You dialed the operator. Please wait…How can I help you?’

‘I am calling to the city of Los Angeles.’

‘Just press one.’

My heart rolls down to the heels when I dial the number. 

‘Insert twenty-five coins to make a call. The person you are calling in unable to take your call. Please leave your message after a tone, when you finish the message, hang up or press hash.’

‘Hi. My flight leaves in seven hours. I’m going home. To the house between the mental institution, the orphanage and the addiction centre. You were poetry to me, and I lost it. Right. So here I am in Oakland. I arrived a few nights back. The bus had a broken roof window and the wind blew madly through the gap. It was fun to drive with the stars above. A guy next to me asked if I would like to go to Philippines with him. Am I asking the same thing from you?’

‘Insert another coin to continue.’

‘The dawn was approaching. I wasn’t ready for a morning in San Francisco yet. So I  passed the morning riding trains between Oakland and San Francisco, killing time until I had spent my last dollar and did not have enough to reach the airport. The security guard was mad at me, told me he hoped to never see such an idiot again. He doesn’t now I have ADHD. You were an ideal. Do you believe in the muse? I think to make a muse out of somebody is to force one's creativity. The real thing is duende, as Lorca claimed. The ultimate thing is God.’

‘Insert another coin to continue.’

‘Yeah, I really messed up. I used to imagine wandering through a romantic labyrinth. Like when I was a child and I would chase my neighbor's parrot, trying to hear what it would say about me. Once I went to work at the hairdressers because you grew up in a home where the hairdresser's salon was, right? I mean, your mother was one, so I thought, if I get to know what the hair is all about, I will get nearer to you. Of course, they wanted to turn me into a hairdresser after some time and it did not quite work. Do you think it was a crazy idea? Now, I must admit, your father was a gambler, so I would love to play poker and get to know what the other half of your genes are like.’

‘Insert another coin to continue.’

‘I think it was realistic. Once I got to understand what the hairdressing was like, I ran away. I got to know blow dries, coloring and highlighting. I knew by heart how it smelled, the shampoo line, the sprays, wax, the perm lotion. If you grew up with it, you must have those odors in your blood. Now I can also twist ponytails, French plaits, do African twists and double bubble ties. I used to roll my eyes in front of my colleagues. They did not like that of course.’

‘Insert another coin to continue.’

‘Do you know the Sicilian Defense in chess? The Sicilian is the best score to respond the White’s first move. Your parents were from Sicily. I’ll soon have plenty of time to gamble and investigate your father's genes once I enter the army. My army. Not yours of course. We only have one tank. Nine months of serving. I could bring a baby to term in that time. Gunshots, uniform, and the male jungle should extinguish you from my mind.

One day you might receive a telegram stating I passed away in an exercise, and they found your picture and a letter in the inner pocket. Like in the good old times. The Great War. What's the difference? I mean, look at nowadays.By the way, you like your president. Do you befriend that one? If so, could you at least try to influence him not to abort green cards for a little while?  I’ll never be admitted to America just for sending you the best quality chocolates from England.’

‘Insert another coin to continue.’

‘I wish you would come to Oakland in the next six hours wearing the vintage shirt I have sent you. We would drive, drink tea, and change radio stations in every town we stopped. Or you could teach me how to drive on American roads, and we would check into motels and lie on the beds, our minds exchanging ideas and memories under the bedside lamp. We would have swim after swim in the ocean at dusk. Then, my stranger's heart would scatter in a distant land.’

‘Insert another coin to continue.’

‘I’m running out of coins. This is my last minute. Calling you from corner pay phones always made me think you were listening to me. I imagined you playing the message the same way you would listen to a song, hoping I could create a sweet surprise, in case you were down. I’ve never constructed any kind of erotic fantasy. It was just… pure. Like a child’s wish I guess. Uh-huh, I was bringing you my heart, much the same and very much different from anyone else's. 

I know there are miles and years between us. I know I have no proof of any achievements or accolades. I knew it was only a matter of time, but still. I sacrificed everything. A life that might appear small to you, insignificant, when you compare it to your success.

I was nice after all. Nice because I tried. I made you give me a false promise. Not even a stranger has made me one before. A promise is a promise. The person keeps the promise even if he –-

‘Insert another coin to continue.’

I spend three hours sleeping on various chairs around San Francisco airport. After record hours of resistance, I give in and head to a payphone. 

Taking some make-up from my bag, I made a genuine attempt to look happy by brushing my hair, putting a thick layer of blue lipstick and shiny eyeshadow on my skin. As if he would be able to see my down the phone line.

‘You dialed the operator. Please wait…How can I help you?’

‘I am calling to the city of Los Angeles.’

‘Just press one.’

My heart rolls down to the heels when I dial the number. 

‘Insert twenty-five coins to make a call. The person you are calling in unable to take your call. Please leave your message after a tone, when you finish the message, hang up or press hash.’

‘Hi. My flight leaves in seven hours. I’m going home. To the house between the mental institution, the orphanage and the addiction centre. You were poetry to me, and I lost it. Right. So here I am in Oakland. I arrived a few nights back. The bus had a broken roof window and the wind blew madly through the gap. It was fun to drive with the stars above. A guy next to me asked if I would like to go to Philippines with him. Am I asking the same thing from you?’

‘Insert another coin to continue.’

‘The dawn was approaching. I wasn’t ready for a morning in San Francisco yet. So I  passed the morning riding trains between Oakland and San Francisco, killing time until I had spent my last dollar and did not have enough to reach the airport. The security guard was mad at me, told me he hoped to never see such an idiot again. He doesn’t now I have ADHD. You were an ideal. Do you believe in the muse? I think to make a muse out of somebody is to force one's creativity. The real thing is duende, as Lorca claimed. The ultimate thing is God.’

‘Insert another coin to continue.’

‘Yeah, I really messed up. I used to imagine wandering through a romantic labyrinth. Like when I was a child and I would chase my neighbor's parrot, trying to hear what it would say about me. Once I went to work at the hairdressers because you grew up in a home where the hairdresser's salon was, right? I mean, your mother was one, so I thought, if I get to know what the hair is all about, I will get nearer to you. Of course, they wanted to turn me into a hairdresser after some time and it did not quite work. Do you think it was a crazy idea? Now, I must admit, your father was a gambler, so I would love to play poker and get to know what the other half of your genes are like.’

‘Insert another coin to continue.’

‘I think it was realistic. Once I got to understand what the hairdressing was like, I ran away. I got to know blow dries, coloring and highlighting. I knew by heart how it smelled, the shampoo line, the sprays, wax, the perm lotion. If you grew up with it, you must have those odors in your blood. Now I can also twist ponytails, French plaits, do African twists and double bubble ties. I used to roll my eyes in front of my colleagues. They did not like that of course.’

‘Insert another coin to continue.’

‘Do you know the Sicilian Defense in chess? The Sicilian is the best score to respond the White’s first move. Your parents were from Sicily. I’ll soon have plenty of time to gamble and investigate your father's genes once I enter the army. My army. Not yours of course. We only have one tank. Nine months of serving. I could bring a baby to term in that time. Gunshots, uniform, and the male jungle should extinguish you from my mind.

One day you might receive a telegram stating I passed away in an exercise, and they found your picture and a letter in the inner pocket. Like in the good old times. The Great War. What's the difference? I mean, look at nowadays.By the way, you like your president. Do you befriend that one? If so, could you at least try to influence him not to abort green cards for a little while?  I’ll never be admitted to America just for sending you the best quality chocolates from England.’

‘Insert another coin to continue.’

‘I wish you would come to Oakland in the next six hours wearing the vintage shirt I have sent you. We would drive, drink tea, and change radio stations in every town we stopped. Or you could teach me how to drive on American roads, and we would check into motels and lie on the beds, our minds exchanging ideas and memories under the bedside lamp. We would have swim after swim in the ocean at dusk. Then, my stranger's heart would scatter in a distant land.’

‘Insert another coin to continue.’

‘I’m running out of coins. This is my last minute. Calling you from corner pay phones always made me think you were listening to me. I imagined you playing the message the same way you would listen to a song, hoping I could create a sweet surprise, in case you were down. I’ve never constructed any kind of erotic fantasy. It was just… pure. Like a child’s wish I guess. Uh-huh, I was bringing you my heart, much the same and very much different from anyone else's. 

I know there are miles and years between us. I know I have no proof of any achievements or accolades. I knew it was only a matter of time, but still. I sacrificed everything. A life that might appear small to you, insignificant, when you compare it to your success.

I was nice after all. Nice because I tried. I made you give me a false promise. Not even a stranger has made me one before. A promise is a promise. The person keeps the promise even if he –’

‘Insert another coin to continue.’